Ghost


For the last three years you’ve been haunting me.  I wonder what I could have done or what I should have done or what could have been done differently so that our story would have been different.  After a few months, I started to feel like I could continue with life.  A few months later, I felt like there wasn’t much reason left for me to be here.  Each time I felt that, I thought of Little Bit (She loves when I call her that!)  She needed me.  I tried to stay strong and confident and bulletproof for her.

At the two-year mark, I thought I would be ok.  Then Deimos died.  What was he thinking leaving me like that??  Well, he had stayed around for two full years to make sure I would keep my mental sanity.  Then, just like all living things, he had to leave.  And took another piece of my soul with him.  But he helped me as long as he could.

Few months after that, Little Bit decided to move back where she came from.  And took another piece of my soul with her.  Although I know it was good for her to get back to her family, she left me here.  And I wasn’t able to take care of her anymore.  Or buy her socks and towels and drop them off.  Or take her to dinner.  Or hug her and cry while we thought of you.  But I know she did what was best for her.  And I had no reason to try to keep her from that.

And then I met someone who made me feel like maybe, just maybe, there was something I still had to give.  And live for.  And enjoy.  I have to be honest, I was really really feeling alone.  Still do, but it’s not as bad now.  And he’s funny.  And quirky.  And sometimes reminds me a lot of you.  So much so, in fact, that when he did something silly awhile ago, I yelled at you.  Well, called him you.  HA!

Today, you made me smile.  I remember how I was always calling you to help me find my way around town.  You were good at it, too.  Then you left and I had to figure it out on my own.  Well, I have figured out a lot of my way around by now.  I was driving by where we used to live and hadn’t been able to bring myself to drive by where you used to work until today.  I almost forgot how to get around that area of town, but remembered.  And I thought of you.  I said, “Thank you, Dave!”  And smiled.

Advertisements

7 Comments

  1. Sometimes healing hurts – we’ll never know why, I guess it’s supposed to. I guess we’ll never understand why the loves in our lives, human and furry leave us – sometimes they pass – sometimes they just, well… Leave. You know my ‘count them on one hand’ – they’re a part of my heart – when they hurt, I hurt – when I can’t ease their hurt – it hurts worse. today is one of those days. . . I guess.

    Revisiting that place was a positive and telling moment in your progess – doesn’t make it ALL hurt any less – and here I don’t guess… I know.

  2. They say it all gets easier with time; time is the great healer! Well – it isn’t!
    Time gets you to the point of – slowly – being able to accept things, to know what hurts, to know what helps, to be able to tell yourself that your existence is not a mistake. Fate is not an easy thing to live with, again we’re talking acceptance, and we will will always wonder – ‘WHY?’ And, honestly, that is a question we will always struggle with, because there is no real answer, nothing that can make you feel ‘better’ about the situation you are in – your life! How it really sucks sometimes!
    To be able to do things that you could not before shows how far along this tortuous road you have travelled, look to the positives and feel good about yourself for once.
    You might just be able to start liking that new feeling!

    1. Thank you for the moral support. I think it’s a definite step in the right direction and an example of my learning to remember some of the things we did in a positive way as opposed to getting very sad at them all.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s